Somedays, I find myself falling more into the latter half, and I don't want to be that miserable person that everyone dreads hearing from or talking to. Life is hard. As Wesley as the Dread Pirate Roberts tells Buttercup, "Life is pain."
As LDS people, we often tell ourselves and one another that the Lord will never give us more than we can handle. Of course he does! You know why? Because we are inherently prideful and stiff-necked (that's why they're mentioned so many times in the scriptures)- we rely on ourselves entirely too much and find it hard to ask for any help, or to the polar opposite side of the pendulum, there are those who only ask for help but never try to do anything for themselves. My amazing home teacher recently came over to visit with me and give me a blessing. While he and his wife were here, he told me that all too often when quoting scripture to support one another we tell each other that the Lord never gives us more than we can bear which is a misquote and leaves the most important part out- the Lord does sometimes give us more than we can bear but when he does so he ALWAYS gives us an out, we just have to recognize it.
I've been going through some very difficult times lately so I've been going to a therapist. She is amazing- she lets me do most of the thinking and problem solving for myself, and only occasionally will she interject with actual opinion and direction for me. I love that, and I'm coming to realize that maybe this is much the same way that our Savior and the Holy Ghost work with us as well. We go to them in prayer with our problems, hoping for the Angel choir giving us all the answers we need via Hallelujah chorus. There's like 10 people in the last 100 years that have had a prayer answered that way.
For all the rest of us common people, it works more like this: we pray about our problems, we think about them, mull them over in our brains, trying to decipher and solve them from every angle, looking at every possibility and option we could possibly have. Then over the next few days, weeks, or months we'll have opportunities to encounter people who can offer advice or insight, sometimes because we blab our tales of woe to them or sometimes because they just happen to be so inclined to share something they just learned or have personal knowledge of somehow.
Then it's up to us to take our personal contemplations as well as the outside sources we have acquired to take action and resolve our problem. All the while you're paying for guidance and knowledge to act in the best manner to solve your problem.
It'll work out eventually as it should.
It's that eventually that we have a hard time with. We want immediate results, without trial and struggle, and if we don't get what we want when we want it we have this tendency to give up all too quickly.
We are our own worst enemy. What do those happy people have that the miserable people don't seem to have? Within my circle of friends, there are only about 5 people that are not LDS, so I can't really say it's the Gospel. Is it their upbringing? Maybe. Abuse of some sort in their lives? Possibly. Depression or other mental illness? It's a definite possibility and an actual contributor to some. Lack of self confidence or self worth? That could be part of it. Is it lack of faith and testimony? Lack of faith more so than testimony, but that's not necessarily the answer either. Laziness? Self pity? Anger? These are all part of it. But there's one far greater and more powerful force at work.
I'm talking about fear. What's that quote? "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"? In the scriptures, we read about fear being a tool of the devil. In psychology, fear can be a paralyzing force that keeps people from leaving their homes, travelling, trying foods, touching things, getting close to other people.
Let me tell you about my fears. When I was a child I was terrified of the dark. After being bit by a neighbors dog, I'm scared of any dog that is higher than my shin. I grew up listening to my Mom's stories about growing up near a prison and with hearing stories about kids being kidnapped, so I'm scared to go walking by myself, especially at night. I was picked on all through school, so I'm scared to try to make new friends. I've had a lot of bad dating experiences, so I'm scared to give guys a chance and make myself vulnerable to them. I'm scared of growing old alone. I'm scared of what my nieces and nephews will have to go through in life. I'm scared that our government is falling apart and the freedoms we have historically had as Americans will soon be lost to us. I'm scared that our military is spread too thin and our country is vulnerable to attack and that war will be on our shores soon. I'm scared of all the perverts, crazies, and criminals walking around looking to hurt me, my nieces and nephews, and friends and family. I'm scared that the economy really isn't going to turn around and I'll be left as poor as I currently am and be dependent and a burden on my family for the rest of my life. I was fired 2 days after I gave me 7 days notice three years ago, and I haven't been able to get hired on anywhere else since. I'm scared that I'm truly the world's most un-hirable person ever. I started my own business since I can't get hired anywhere but even that's slow. I'm scared that my business will fail or at the very least, will always be slow and not allow me an a viable income. I'm scared my parents health will take a turn for the worse and since I'm the single one in my family still, I will be called upon to put my life on hold and set aside everything I'm working for to go home to take care of them.
Some of my fears are legitimate and some are completely distorted and blown out of proportion. But they are my fears and seem very real to me. Some of them paralyze me and some are just passing thoughts.
Some fears are healthy to have. For example- fear of bad things possibly happening to yourself or your family helps you to be more aware of your surroundings and protective of the children in your care.
I think it's fear, the way we deal with it, and how we think about it that has a great affect on our happiness or lack thereof.
You choose to be happy, you choose your reactions, but you don't always choose your fears. Fear is something that creeps up on you. It is something that can be fleeting, overwhelming, paralyzing, or motivating. It's very contradictory, manipulative, and forceful.
So, what is your fear? Fear of failure? Fear of rejection? Fear of success? Fear of being loved? Fear of happiness? Fear of heights? Fear of balloons? Fear of clowns? Fear of being alone? Fear of drowning? Fear of dying? Fear of commitment? Fear of imperfection? Fear of starving? Fear of not being smart enough? Fear of being laughed at? Fear of not being in control? Fear of trusting others? Fear of being forgotten? Fear of never amounting to anything?
How do you react to your fear? Does it hold you back or propel you to action? Does it make you hesitant or brave? Does it stifle you and cause you to withdraw or does it make you brazen and more open? Do you fight it or give in to it? Does it drive you or do you drive it?
In looking at my happier friends, they recognize that they have fears, but they choose to not let those fears drive them. They somehow have internal, inherent tools that help them fight those fears before they become giants. They have the foresight to see the light at the end of the tunnel, they see it as a tool to grow and improve rather than as something that can destroy them. They don't allow fear to become a destructive force in their lives. They control their fears- they face it bit by bit, in workable increments. They laugh at themselves to get through the hard times; they cry when they need to; they accept imperfection and setbacks; they see fear as a challenge to overcome and breakdown to a simpler form so they can live with it on a daily basis. It's not in their every thought. In some cases, they intentionally look for opportunities to face those fears to get over them quickly and turn that fear into something non-fearful and give them bragging rights for challenging themselves and coming out victorious. They cheer for themselves.
I think that is the biggest difference between my happy friends and my miserable friends.
My miserable friends wallow in and dwell in their all-powerful, overwhelming fears. Fear is their constant companion, the compass that guides their life. The force that keeps them from putting forth the legitimate effort and agonizingly hard work in facing yourself and your fears to change your fearful ways. Being miserable and fearful is easy. Being happy and brave is harder.
I have been there, and I'm learning to fight the fear. It's hard. It's scary. I'm scared I won't come out the victor. But I cannot live anymore as I have been. I am a child of God. I have divine worth. I have been given talents and skills and blessings that I need to share with others. I have a purpose. I have people who love me and want me to succeed, but they cannot do that for me. I have to do that for myself. I have to want it for me more than they do for it to stick.
I can pray till I'm blue in the face, but unless I'm willing to implement something, anything, everything that has been placed in my path thus far, I will not improve my situation or see any form of progression. I can sit around and compare myself and my talents to my sister and friends or total strangers, I can be jealous of my married sister and friends and the fact that they have families of their own, I can be jealous of my financially successful friends, but they are not me, and doing so will not help me.
I'm pretty sure my happy friends don't sit around doing this. They might do it while they're gardening or exercising or on their rare self-pity rainy PMS day but even then it'd be a rarity if at all.
I'm not always very preachy-churchy-uber-spiritual but when I am, I really am! There are two hymns I have running through my head today. The first is The Lord Is My Light and in particular these words from the 1st and 3rd verses: The Lord is my light; then why should I fear? By day and by night his presence is near. He is my salvation from sorrow and sin; This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring...The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength. I know in his might I'll conquer at length. My weakness in mercy he covers with pow'r. And, walking by faith, I am blest ev'ry hour. The Lord is my light; He is my joy and my song. By day and by night he leads, he leads me along. The second is Lord, I Would Follow Thee, verses two and three: Who am I to judge another When I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden Sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow thee. Savor, may I love my brother As I know thou lovest me, Find in thee my strenght, my beacon, For thy servant I would be. Savor, may I love my brother- Lord, I would follow thee.
Now you may be thinking, nice songs but what does judging have to do with fear and happiness? I'll tell you. When you judge someone, or compare yourself to someone, you are using yourself, your beliefs, and your expectations as your measure. You are you and they are someone else entirely. You may be similar but even if you grew up in the same household, you will have very different life experiences. You are not them, you don't know what they go through daily, what they went through to get where they are. You can be jealous and jealous of the façade and be envy that they have all that you think you desire and secretly wish them ill, or you can love them and be happy for where they are and what they seem to have, being grateful that you too have that potential, that what they have may also be in store for you someday, recognize their good, their faithfulness, and their happiness.
If you have a jealous nature, try to emulate what you see in those you envy so that your jealousy might turn to admiration and a useful tool for improving yourself. Comparing yourself with others holds you back because it always ends up being a negative for you- you doubt your worth, your potential, your gifts and talents. You second guess and berate yourself. You pronounce judgement on yourself, and usually in some mild way, covet that which you don't have. And that only feeds to some fear you have within you. And that is what judging others has to do with fear.
To my amazing, wonderfully supportive and encouraging friends and family who see my worth and potential even when I'm struggling to find it through my fears, I thank you and love and appreciate you more than you know. Thank you for not giving up on me, and for standing by me while I try to figure out my life. Your humor, compassion, and support have been part of my much needed light at the end of the tunnel. Your examples, friendship and love have been powerful and unwavering for me. Thank you so very, very much.
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