My Own Brand of Charity

     For the past several years I've been volunteering my decorating/design services to a local business group, that does a lot of charity work, for it's annual fundraiser. Six or seven years ago, I got suckered into joining them by a former design school classmate who ditched the night before the event, and I've been the one woman design committee ever since. I'm 90% sure this year was my last year with the group, and I'm pretty sure I went out with a bang! Or at least made a very memorable impression on several people over a 48 hour period.

     First, was the impression I left on my wholesale flower supplier. I'm pretty sure they think I'm a crazy liar, and here's why. One week before the event I go in and order flowers, and give them their complimentary tickets to the event. Last week I got suckered into helping my brother and his wife in their ridiculous melodrama so I had to call in the order. I placed a rather lengthy order and thought all was well. Then on Monday, like 2 days ago, the start of this week, the day before yesterday (the actual day of the big event I needed the flowers for) Monday, I finally go in to pay and give their tickets. They don't have my order. I should've panicked but instead I was all, "Psht! You don't have my $2000 order? No worries- what do you have lots of in stock that'll look classy and maybe come close to my actual order? And will I have to spray paint it or will you?" Amazingly, they had almost everything I needed so I was good to go. Tickets were left and pick-up was scheduled for 9:30 a.m. the following day (Tuesday, yesterday, the day of the event).

      Second, was the impression I left on a 60 year old man, and the impression he left on me. Early Tuesday afternoon, I was working away creating 45 centerpieces to be used for this charity event when the CEO comes up behind me and is talking with some of my volunteer assistants. All I hear are comments made about a man whose name they never knew but they all have seen him and remember his hair. He acknowledges he gets lots of comments and recognition because of his hair. This is a phenomenon I can relate to actually. After a few minutes, the CEO introduces me to board member Frank Somethingrather. I turn around to shake hands and greet the man and Holy Magundy!!! No joke about his hair! He was a very striking man- very good looking despite his mac daddy pimp outfit and bling, but his hair.....Uh-May-Zing!!! Pure white, thick, wavy, and fluffy! I couldn't help myself- I blurted out, "Well they weren't kidding about you having fantastic hair! Aren't you quite dapper and dashing all at the same time, quite literally from head to toe! Nice meeting you and your fabulous head of hair, Frank." And then, the man in his 3 piece suit with pheasant feather decorated fedora, patent alligator leather shoes, gold chains, rings, and diamonds- did I mention he's white?- air kisses my hand as he bows to me and says the pleasure is all his and he's at my beck and call from now on and will be anything I want. So, I put the board member and CEO to work putting the flowers on the tables.

     The last impression I left of the day was as I was getting ready to go home, just as the guests were arriving. I was talking to some of my fellow event committee members, when this sassy grandma type walks over to our little group and starts talking- she's very friendly and obviously has money so I assumed that's why my friends are so chatty and friendly in return. This sweet little woman wants to know what we think of her outfit and then tells us the neckline's a mistake and the top is twisting cuz it's too tight, and now she's worried that after cutting up the side seams nothing will stop the top from shifting and showing off publicly what the good Lord gave her- could we please somehow help? Turns out we could. I grabbed scissors and was handed duct tape while a fellow committee member whispered the woman's name and informed me that she was the the events co-chair, please help her and keep her happy. So off I went, holding hands with this sweet crazy little granny lady, into the women's loo, where there were like 20 women all doing makeup or hair or adjusting clothes. I set down my tape and scissors and appear to start undressing this woman. With all eyes on us, I proceed to finish cutting the offensively tight blouse at the armpit seams and begin duct taping her shirt back together with breathing room. Slight problem though- she's braless and has a dislocated shoulder. I was trying desperately to not glimpse or touch old lady boob. I mean it's already awkward enough that I partially stripped her down and was duct taping her! I had to lift her arm to cut the seam and then duct tape a wider seam for her on the side with the dislocated shoulder. It seemed to work, so I helped her back in to her jacket and then headed back to the event with her and gave her these instructions- "Keep your jacket on all night, No dancing or hugging, If you feel the tape slip, find Shirley and tell her get a stapler and follow you to the bathroom." Then she kissed me profusely on both cheeks and announced to everyone around us that I'm more amazing than they'll ever know.

     Unbeknownst to her, there was an artist who happened to have watched me putting together some of my arrangements, and this artist thought she was referring to the flowers, so she chimes in, "Oh, I know how amazing she is." The granny lady says, "No,  you don't. I mean she's really amazing!" and the artist replies, "Oh no- trust me! I know know exactly how amazing she is!" Now, I'm not saying this to toot my own horn- I am proud of the work I did but honestly- I don't have a clue what I'm doing and the flowers were probably dead by today! I'm telling you this because normally, compliments are nice and build you up, but their exchange was downright awkward for me, made moreso by their arguing and both thinking they were in on some secret with me! It was just weird!!! Then they both started to Nomastay (spelled phonetically cuz I don't bother learning how to spell words I don't use) and bow at me, then to each other, then me, then each other. Oh my gosh- it was so ridiculous and I couldn't get out of their fast enough or before they both started doing those one kiss per cheek we're rich fake bff greeting things.

     I swear I was in the Twilight Zone! And that was how my charity event went this year. I didn't stay to see the end of it or to hear further fake or legit adorations of my work or my amazingness, or to further assist a braless old lady with her clothing malfunctions. I just wanted to go home and laugh at my day till I fell asleep, which I did. I got some much needed ego boosting accolades that may or may not have been sincere but I'll still take them, lots of laughs, fun memories memories, and I can once rest assured that after nearly ten years without old men hitting on me that I still have the ability to attract old men. I'd say it was great and successful 48 hour period that just narrowly averted complete and utter disaster!