One Bridge I Miraculously Didn't Burn

      My younger brother is going through a divorce right now. He has neurological issues, and my family, never in a million years, imagined he'd get married and so as hurtful as it is, it really is no surprise that he is getting divorced. The sad part about it is there are two young children involved. The annoying part about it is the fact that in order to have anything to do with those kids is the fact that we have to associate with the annoying soon to be ex-wife who we really never liked to begin with. I have kind of been designated by my family to help him out through all of his divorce junk because I currently have a lot of free time, I'm single and don't have kids, and because of everyone in the family, I've always understood him best. I'm still trying to decide if this is a blessing or a curse for me. I'm quickly learning more than I ever wanted to about divorce though and will soon be a pseudo-expert on that too, and can add it to my repertoire of useless and random info I can rattle off whenever anyone asks the know-it-all for stuff they're clueless about. Yay me. I'm not really complaining-  I love my brother dearly and will try to help him any way I can but it is so exhausting trying to deal with him and to get him to cooperate. Fortunately for me, he's no longer heavily medicated so he is at least coherent and responsive- now to just get him to be more proactive in helping me help him. That was the hardest thing in trying to get him to go from scared and dependent after HS to 90% independent and semi confident in his abilities shortly before he got married! I feel like I'm starting over from square one, and it is so frustrating!

     In the midst of all this, I realized I dated a guy who is basically an expert in dealing with people like my brother- it's what he does for a living. I swallowed some... a lot of pride and contacted him, uncertain that he'd be willing to talk to me. Why? Because I burn my bridges as I cross them to ensure I never take that path (aka make that mistake) again. When we stopped dating, he had done some not so nice things and I said some not so nice things in retaliation- we weren't ending as friends. It was a quick and clean break- brief and to the point. We didn't keep in touch. When I realized he might be able to help me, I had to scrounge through several old phones to find his number, and even then I wasn't sure if it was still his number!

     With some trepidation, I called the number, left him a voicemail, and then waited for a few days before I got a response. It was him, he was willing to help any way he could, and we talked. We both apologized to each other for our hurtful behaviors and actions, talked about where we'd gone wrong, what we'd been doing the past few years, and about our various relationships since. It was really nice catching up with him. He offered up some very useful advice and tips, and then even offered up his resources to help my brother.

     We've kept in touch- nothing big. I can't help but think, "Hunh- so maybe if enough time passes I can maybe be friends with someone after I break up with them." It's possible.

     This past weekend, I took a brief much needed 'vacation' with my sister's family to her in-law's family reunion, just a few hours away from home. It happened to be in the same town where this guy lived. I told him I'd be there and asked if he'd be around so we could maybe meet up and catch up more in person. He was scheduled to be out of town that weekend but said he'd try to get back to town before we left. I had so much fun all weekend playing in nature, despite the heat. I was able to put all my cares behind me and just really enjoy time with my family and tolerate the crazy Impact groupie in-laws.

     I have to interrupt this little feel good story briefly, to share something else. In the midst of all this, I started talking to 2 guys from the LDS midsingles fb pages I'm on. I thought I'd made myself very clear that I was only looking for friendship, and both guys claimed to be ok with that. Throughout my little weekend, I kind of kept in touch with those 2 guys, responding to their occasional messages to me- no big deal.

     I was heading home sometime Saturday afternoon. Late Friday night, I got a message from my ex-bf that he was back home and hoped to be able to see me the next day if time permitted. Things did work out, and we met up at a little diner for dinner. It was really nice to see him again. I don't think we'll date again but I think we will be friends. And I realized, he really is a good guy. He has never been vulgar, rude, or crude to me. He tried to be very understanding to me and my issues while we dated. He has always honored his priesthood, is active in church, is intelligent, works hard, is a gentleman, gets most of my humor, and has a heart of gold! I know I can be difficult. He is far from perfect and has his own issues that he realized through our break up that he needed to work on. I really do respect and trust this guy- that is a rare thing for me to say. I've been looking for someone like him and turns out I had him- but for whatever reason he is not for me. That's ok. I know his type is real, he exists and he gives me hope. And I'm very grateful that he is forgiving and kind and willing to be my friend.

     Which takes me back to those other 2 guys I was talking to. They were fluff. They talk the talk, have fantastical idealistic expectations regarding romance, wear their hearts on their sleeves in near desperation to find their 'one', and are looking for that elusive insta-perma-chemistry-lust-love. I'm already done talking to those 2 guys. I'm sure they are as nice as can be, and will definitely make some girl happy but they are not at all for me, and I guarantee I am not for them. This weekend, visiting this old flame, has reminded me of what I really want and the type of man I need in my life. He wasn't drama or games or fake or unrealistic. He was himself and allowed me to be myself. The reason it didn't work? Our own insecurities and we weren't emotionally ready. I want someone like him in my life- I need someone like him in my life... when I am finally ready to move on with life and looking for more than just being friends. For now- I'll keep the few guy friends I already have and not worry about trying to add to the bunch. I don't need to waste my pretty or energy trying to convince strangers of how incredible I am if they can win me over- I'm not easy but I'm worth it, and if they only see the pretty and won't put forth the effort to peel back the layers, they don't deserve my time.